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The Raingod Review presents Euro Ruffs 2016 – National Lampoons European Vacation Part 1 - Group A

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RuffiansFC Player
As usual the Raingod Review is casting its eye over the teams and managers of the Euro Ruffs.  Many well know faces have returned for further torture, and several new and newer players will soon be wondering what they have let themselves in for.  As with the World Cup previews I will split them up into 6 parts, hopefully published before kick off on Wednesday, but the extreme short notice might prove difficult.  All views expressed are those of The Review and have nothing to do with any Ruffians FC players, living or dead.

Greece – Mikethemute
Current Ruff World Cup Holder Mike has drawn the sick man of Europe this time.  From the lofty heights of winning the European Championships in 2004 they have fallen to 40th in the FIFA rankings, that’s only 2 places higher than Scotland ffs.  IRL their strikers have ONE international goal between them.  Tough one for Mike, not the strongest group, but will be cursing the team he took to World Cup success is now controlled by Womble and is in his group.  That said, his experience and the fact Stew is in his group should see him progress.

If they were a film: The Breakfast Club, hugely respected but a bit dodgy round the edges now and showing its age.

FIFA World Ranking: 40
Key Players: Vasilis Torosidis, ageing captain, stopper and remarkably the top scorer in the squad; Alexandros Tziolis, ageing midfield general.

Group Prediction: Third
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Bookies say: 25/1

Austria – McManners
Brand new Ruffian, the Raingod Review has no details except that he might be a mate of Womble’s.  Been drawn with Austria, FIFA ranked 10 in the world, that’s one above England.  Should be capable of winning the group.  Lots of quality players who mainly play in the Bundesliga in Germany.  IRL they beat out Russia and Sweden to top their qualifying group.  Only unknown factor is McManners, is he a rookie or a ringer? As I will assume he is Scottish, I’ll go ringer and predict big things.

If they were a film: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of The Shadows, last one was a bit shit, this one initially was expected to be shit, but has started getting decent reviews.

FIFA World Ranking: 10
Key Players: Marko Janko, prolific goalscorer, wrong side of 30 but dangerous never the less; Christian Fuchs , captain of the team and EPL winner with Leicester City.

Group Prediction: Winner
Finals Prediction: Runner Up
Bookies Say: 4/1

Denmark – Ruffian Stew
Some say he is a secret agent who lives a double life which is why he can’t turn up for Ruffians FC matches, others say he is an evil genius who fixes draws so he can sneak into finals unnoticed, all we know is he is an enigma, wrapped up in a puzzle, wrapped up in a paradox and his name is Ruffian Stew.  Dick Dastardly was runner up in the World Cup with unfancied Russia – clearly had the EA boffins analyse the teams and got the best one.  This time he has “drawn” Denmark, a team who haven’t actually made it to the Euros IRL – what does he know?  (He has left out Poland and Sweden).  Unless he does actually know something, he will have a tough time in sneaking anywhere this time, (I said that last time didn’t I) but as potentially the top three go through it could be possible.

If they were a film: The Matrix: Revolutions – Leading man is so wooden he would make an oak door look flexible, everything is in slow motion and you are never really sure what the hell they are doing.

FIFA World Rankings: 38
Key Players: Nicklas Bentner, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, Christian Eriksen, SPURS player.

Group Prediction: Rock Bottom
Finals Prediction: Barring some sort of skulduggery, back to the Little Mermaid by the weekend.
Bookies Say: 5000/1 (wait wasn’t that the odds on Leicester City)

Switzerland – WombleMK3
Interesting one here – playing with the team which beat him in the semi-finals of the Ruff World Cup, Womble must be in with a shout of going all the way.  Has been limiting his Ruffians FC appearances in FIFA 16 so the Raingod Review has difficulty assessing his form.  The Swiss are here on merit, although IRL they qualified second to England and didn’t look all that special.  

If they were a film: What If – surprisingly good, charming and well put together if a bit on the light side and not much better than other films in the genre.

FIFA World Rankings: 15
Key Players: Xherdan Shaqiri; top scorer, wing wizard; Stephan Lichsteiner, captain and marauding full back.

Group Prediction: Second
Finals Prediction: Semi-Final
Bookies Say:  6/1


Ruffians FC Captain
Fantastic review as always! Cheers for doing it and making me cry with laughter! Very Happy

Oh and I will have a fiver on me with those odds please!


- Follow me on Twitter @RuffianStew -

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