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The Raingod Review presents Euro Ruffs 2016 – National Lampoons European Vacation Part 6 - Group F

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RuffiansFC Player
Portugal – Splatty
Part of the conspiracy which allowed Stew to progress to the final of the Ruff World Cup, Splatty got out the Group playing Belgium, but “Retired” allowing the Ruffian a free pass to the Quarters, was he paid off, or knobbled, we may never know.  Back this time with the team with only the second biggest ego in World Football (he is not Zlatan’s favourite player after all) Cristiano Ronaldo, CR7.  Can he avoid Stew this time and stay beyond the 2nd round.  Not sure.

If they were a film: Zoolander – male model picks his way through intrigue, conspiracy and danger against a backdrop of in-fighting to champion the rights of his team.

FIFA World Ranking: 8
Key Players: Cristiano Ronaldo, talismanic leader and arguably the world’s best player; Pepe, stoic veteran defender, there just in case CR7 can’t beat Europe on his own.

Group Prediction: 3rd
Finals Prediction: Second Round (Maybe)
Bookies Say: 25/1

The Netherlands – T3RRAF0RM
Beaten by Stew in the semi finals of the Ruff World cup, T3RRAF0RM has only just about recovered from the shame.  Playing yet another team who didn’t qualify IRL however also the highest ranking non qualifiers and still on paper (and in FIFA) a strong side.  This group rivals Group C as the Group Of Death (still believe he doesn’t cheat in the draw Ice?) so will be difficult to get enough points as third place to go through, but I think his performances in the World Cup should be enough to at least get him through to Round 2. Word of warning there is no van Persie in the squad so goals might be a problem.

If they were a film: Sin City -  stylish and well crafted neo-noir film with a tendency to extreme violence, set mainly in a red light district.

FIFA World Ranking: 14th
Key players: Arjen Robben, left footed right winger and captain of the team, Wesley Sneijder, midfield workhorse.

Group Prediction: 2nd
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Bookies: 16/1

Northern Ireland – Iceman D18
Punching wayyyyy above their weight in qualifying, their journeymen make Scotland’s look good on paper.  Ice is unfortunate (or IS he Stew?) to be drawn in this group.  Ice has a sort of love/hate relationship with Captain Emirates which often leads to ridiculous crashes in Forza and competitions to see if one can score more goals in FIFA than the other has made appearances.  Northern Ireland IRL deserve to be in the Euros, but in FIFA they are utter pish.  Can Ice defy the odds and get to the quarters like he did in the Ruff World Cup and in the last Euro Ruffs? (although he went on holiday before he could play the quarter). Only time will tell.

If they were a film: The Princess Bride – fairytale about an unlikely hero (Kyle Lafferty) who, aided by a foreign mercenary (Oliver Norwood) and a giant (Gareth McAuley) rescue damsel in distress (presumably Mrs Lafferty).

FIFA World Ranking: 25
Key Players: Kyle Lafferty, striker, for any Rangers fans the most unlikely hero you could find; Steven Davis, captain and player who pulls the midfield strings.

Group Prediction: 4th
Finals Prediction: No fairytale this time.
Bookies: 500/1

France – The Mehwarrior2
Assuming Meh gets back from one of his many foreign trips in time, he has to be favourite for the group, and the whole damn thing.  “Any” stalwart for Ruffians FC and instrumental in their rise to Division 3 recently – did I say DIVISION 3? He plays France again having taken them to the semi final in the last Euro Ruffs.  Desperately unlucky to lose the battle of the no-hopers in the last 16 of the Ruff World Cup while playing South Korea against DaveAVFC’s Equador (you don’t need an A button in solo play apparently), he will be looking to go far this time.  And with France, hosts and pre tournament favaourites IRL he should have a great chance.

If they were a film: The Lord Of The Rings – Return of The King – united again after a series of arguments and mishaps the heroes return the one ring to rule them all to the fires of Mount Doom, return in triumph to the location of former glories and they all live happily ever after.

FIFA World Ranking: 17th
Key Players:  Paul Pogba, unconventional midfield genius; Olivier Giroud, ridiculous haired Arsenal reserve who has a knack of scoring for France – disliked by the French fans and Arsene Wenger.

Group Prediction: 1st
Finals Prediction: Winners
Bookies Say: 1/2

Well that is it.  You now know everything there is to know about the teams and the players.  I’m off to bed and will now be too tired to even take part in the competition.  The Raingod Review will try bring you updates at key stages of the competition, but as always everything here is gospel and my prediction accuracy is as always somewhere near 100%, well if you count about 5% as close to 100%.

Good luck to all, except those in Group B, and Stew of course you don’t need any luck.

*This is all meant in good fun, if the Raingod Review has offended anyone, then it has done its job.

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