The Euro Ruff's 2012 - General Chat

Welcome everybody,

Seeing that I am a patriotic Scot
It was always going to be me who were drawn England!
I will try and take them as far as I can!

I will not comment on speculation that Rio Ferdinand maybe called up to the squad, also the rumours that Anton Ferdinand Joey Barton and Emile Hesky received a telephone call from me late last seeing if they had booked a. Holiday are unfounded!

I will confirm that Harry Redknapp has been in contact about my appointment, by knocking my front door and running off several times since the news broke!

Good luck to all the teams who step onto the turf!

At this time I will not be answering questions!

https://youtu.be/GubToT3g0sk

and if you dont know what the last bit in Greek means I will tell you........

THE WIND IS STARTING TO BLOW!!!!!

***NEWSFLASH***

Dutch training camp deny reports of 9-1-0 formation being worked on for the Italy game.

Van Persie has laddered his tights and Huntelaar and Kuyt have splinters in their arses from sitting on the bench so are doubts.

Manager Raingod Van Marwijk was unavailable for comment as he as delayed waiting for Marc Van Bommel to run 20 yards.

**UPDATE**

Dutch warm-up a bit of a damp squib

Netherlands played 2 warm-up matches in preparation for their assault on Euro 2012 tonight. A 2-1 defeat to Arsenal and a 1-1 draw with France.

In the Arsenal game they looked like they had never played together before and a Nigel De Jong 25 yarder was the only highlight in anotherwise dysmal performance. Raingod VanMarwijk started with Huntelaar up front and a midfield quartet of Robben, Van Der Vaart, De Jong and Schneider, with Van Persie wide on the left. Van Persie's tights were obviously still ripped as he was anonymous except for falling over himself (literally) at one point, clearly didn't know which team he was on.

In the second game against France Raingod played the ripped tights up top and he faired little better than before but Robben and second half substitute and forgotten man Ryan Babel tormented the French defence with Babel especially lively making a strong case for inclusion in the final squad (if EA can actually decide which squads actually play), but being kicked from pillar to post by French hatchet man Bacary Sagna, which earned the full-back a red card eventually. Dutch goal came from a Hedwiges Maduro header from a Wesley Schneider corner just before half time to equalise a Karim Benzema goal.

Raingod said "Was Rafael Van Der Vaart playing in either of those games, because I didn't see him?"

**Further Update**
Sources say that Raingod Van Marwijk was overheard expressing his disapointment to his assistant manager Bert Van Driver, that Maduro was not in fact an owl from Harry Potter.

Just a quick update from the Poland camp:

The manager is still struggling to pronounce any of the players names and therefore has implented a system of player a and player b to simplify matters!
The squads chances in the tournament is still zero as the man with the control has the worst fifa record ever!

At this time i can confirm that player e has been left out of the final squad for footballing reasons

No further comment

***News Update***

It is offical - Norway are the slowest team on earth!

After 2 warm up friendly matches it was proven that a 1 legged donkey is more mobile than this so called international team!

The new Norwegian manager Ruffian Rosnberghoffhinder was quoted after their lastest friendlies against Germany and Holland " Dette teamet flytter tregere enn en jordet hvalfangstskipet fast på steiner - nå hvor er mine smorgers bord "

Norway lost 7-0 and 8-0 in their warm up matches and the only thing Norway managed to do through both matches was clip the Germans post - more luck than jugdment!

**Newsflash**

Dutch in win shocker

The Oranje recorded their first victory in their continued warm-up for Euro 2012, although coming on the back of successive thumpings I think the sun will need to go nova before they are warm enough to challenge for anything.

After losing 4-0 to Arsenal and 3-0 to Italy (C team - no relation to anything they will face in Euro 2012) things were looking bleak for Raingod's Clockwork Orange - infact it look like their spring was broken.

However with their manager's warning ringing in their ears "Lose this and I'll have to recall Ruud Van Nistelrooy.", the Dutch stepped out into the Parc des Princes looking like a team on a mission. Raingod had reverted to his original plan of Van Persie on the left and Huntelaar up front, he also continued to put his faith in Van Der Vaart. There was no room for Harry Potter's owl who had had a nightmare in the Italy game and Johnny Heitiga made his first start of the season in defence.

Immediately Van Persie showed his intentions with a crashing drive off the bar. The French looked rockier than a rocky road on Ayers Rock at a Rock festival and in 20 minutes they gave away a free kick wide left. Schneider played a short pass to Van Der Vaart who slammed home the opener from just inside the box.

For the rest of the half only one other thing was settled - Klaas Jan Huntelaar couldn't score in a brothel.

Just after half time ol' ripped tights capped his man of the match display with a brilliant run and thundering strike from outside the area to make it 2-0.

Following that the Dutch all went to sleep, waking only to occasionally put in a last gasp tackle here and there and saw the game out.

After the match Raingod Van Marwijk said " On this form there is no reason why we can't win the whole damn Euro thing." Our reporter suggests he may have been smoking something he had picked up in Amsterdam before the game.

**LATEST**

Well it could have been worse.

The Dutch opened their Euro 2012 campaign with a 2-0 defeat to the much fancied Italy this evening. But it was very much a case of what might have been. Had Rafael Van Der Vaart's drive not slammed off the crossbar at 1-0 and had Raingod introduced Ryan Babel a little earlier it might have been a different story.

With Klaas Jan Huntelaar not so much firing blanks and needing fired, it was up to the midfield to provide any chances the men in Orange had. The classy Italians always looked dangerous and went ahead mid way through the first half. Van Der Vaart had a chance to equalise after some good play between Van Persie and Schneider saw him free at the edge of the box, his left foot drive crashed off the bar and away to safety.

In an even second half it was a mistake by Johnny Heitinga, letting his Italian opponent run straight past him for no apparent reason to score, which put the Italians 2-0 up.

Raingod immediately yanked the woeful Huntelaar with Babel replacing him and Van Persie moving to the striker position. Babel then set about ripping into the Italian defence and created a couple of chances before Van Persie blazed over when he should have hit the target.

In the end the Italians deserved their win and the Dutch have a bit of work to do now if they have any hope of qualifying for the quarter finals.

After the match Raingod Van Marwijk was unavailable for comment, but his assistant Bert Van Driver said "I think he is in the dressing room ripping Huntelaar a new one."

**News**

Netherlands won a very tight game 1-0 versus Denmank, to go second in the group and, barring a goal landslide for the Danes in their last game against Ireland, almost certainly putting Nash's men out of the competition. (There could be a scenario which will give Ruff Euros President, Ruffian "I wasn't offside" Stew a real headache if Denmark beat Ireland by several and Ireland beat the Dutch).

Raingod obviously didn't take defeat well in the Italian game and made 2 changes to the side with Marc Van Bommel and Dirk Kuyt starting and Arjen Robben playing on the left.

It was Robben who set up the only goal of the game with a terrific run and cross for Robin Van Persie to trip over his tights and have the ball hit off his head and go into the net.

Chances were few and far between but the Dutch had the better of them with Van Persie fluffing a couple and both Schneider and Van Der Vaart blazing over into row Z when a three legged dog whould have scored.

Raingod said "I have a feeling that our inability to score enough goals is going to cost us dear."

The Dutch play Ireland in their last game and, unless Denmark, playing only for pride, can take anything off the Irish in their last game, will need a win to progress to the quarter finals as the Irish will have a better goal difference if they beat the Danes. If the Danes take a point off the Irish then a draw will be enough.

Raingod said "We always set out to win, I am not going to defend to try to nick a point - have you seen our defence?"

Current table
Italy 3 3 0 0 7 0 +7 9
Nederland 2 1 0 1 1 2 -1 3
Ireland 1 0 0 1 0 1 -1 0
Denmark 2 0 0 2 0 5 -5 0

**NEWSFLASH**

DUTCH THROUGH!

Netherlands joined Italy in the quarter finals winning 1-0 with a dogged defensive display against an Ireland team which just could not make their possesion count.

Fielding an unchanged team from the victory over Denmark Raingod opted again for Robben on the left. The Dutch scored again through Van Persie when he rose majestically like a kipper to head home a Wesley Schneider corner early on and from then on it was backs against the wall as the Irish drove forward in wave after wave of attack to try to get the equaliser which would have kept them in the tournament.

The result means that the Dutch finish with 6 points and can't be caught by the Irish or the Danes who have still to play each other.

Raingod said after the match "We didn't set out to play defensively, the Irish just pushed us back. We took our chance and restricted the Irish to a couple of shots, we were lucky."

New england manager Rossildinio who got off to a fair start against spain was criticised for calling this evenings opponents Poland as 'Poundland'

The shopping chain contacted the English FA by letter asking that Rossildinio resign adding, that as a Scottish man working in England he is clearly taking a job ment for a poslih person!

Head of the FA said at this moment Rossildinio is here until the end of the Euros, and after that he can bugger off back to scotland or where ever he's from!

Rossildinio refused to take the haggis out his mouth to comment!

After a quiet group stage Iceman Smuda comments on his teams successful progression to the next round:

Still cant grasp these names so the current system will continue to be implemented, i feel for spain in the last game as i borrowed a tactic off mancini of man city and parked the bus, the formation being 10-1-0, although a negative style of play will not be continued through the tournament and a more ghung ho/kamakazi/idiotic style of play will be implemnted, as for my future as manager of this god dam awful national side, no decisions have been made but an approach to manag tottenham has recently arose, however im not thag f**king special!

No further questions will be answered until polands exit from the tournament, hopefully soon as im missing eastenders!

Iceman has 99 problems but pounland aint one!

**UPDATE**

Forced to spend an extended time in the Ukranian copper mine Raingod Van Marwijk's Dutch team have been using as a training base, as certain groups appear to have forgotten the championship is on. The Dutch arranged a couple of matches to keep their eye in.

After a stylish and comprehensive 4-1 win over Real Madrid, in which Robin "Hood-Man in Tights" Van Persie scored all four goals, the Dutch confidence was sky high.

So when they led 1-0 against Man City at half time and a simple swap of the ineffective Dirk "Will you stay on the bloody wing you donkey" Kuyt for Ryan Babel, Raingod had every reason to expect success. The eventual 5-2 defeat flattered the Dutch as their defence went for an afternoon siesta as the men in blue danced round them like they were statues - actually that is grossly unfair to statues, they are more mobile...danced around them like they were Tony Adams.

After the match Raingod put in an official complaint to UEFA citing his suspicion that there had been a "Ruffian Stew/Bulldog" type switch of opposition at half time.

Back to the drawing board then.

Une mise à jour du camp français

Monsieur M. Blanc has returned to the french training camp today after typically taking a long holiday in the middle of the tournament, when asked for comment he replied with a look of gaelic disgust; "Suis-je dérangé?". After much gesticulating and conversation on the existential meaning of life, the french finally took to the field to face the Red and White of Croatia in a much-anticipated match.

The game started off fast and free-flowing with Croatia having the best of the early chances, (I swear I'm Croatian) Eduardo making Hugo Lloris work on several occasions. It was a battle in midfield as each team tried to shut down the others creative players and the teams went in goalless at half-time.

It was reported that repeated profanities could be heard coming from the French dressing room including: "Franc Jésus comment pouvez-vous être si laid et si mal au football dans le même temps putain!", "Vous ne jouez pas avec Drogba maintenant Florent" and "Je ne vais pas vous demander à nouveau Evra, obtenir plus de cette affaire Suarez ensemble."

This seemed to finally spur the french into life as just after the break Samir Nasri broke through the Croatian lines and buried a shot into the top corner. This spelled the beginning of the end for Croatia as they pushed more players forward exposing themselves to counter attack. Nasri snatched another close range effort under the keeper before a 90th minute Croatian corner and up jogs the keeper desperate to keep them in the running. A bad ball in from Srna enabled Lloris to catch and send a thunderbolt up to Ribery waiting on the half way line, he danced his way past the last croatian defender and tapped in to an empty net.

In the post match interview Coach Mehrant Blanc said: "Nous étions assez inquiets de la menace que fait peser la Croatie à nos défenseurs de merde, mais heureusement pour nous Hugo était en pleine forme pour maintenir la feuille propre. Oh, et ne me demandez pas à ce sujet Malouda twat!"

2 more games to go for France and they will go into them feeling confident after tonights result.

Dear italy....

I am issueing a warning!

Should you get a penalty
And you do a Pirlo!

I will find you,
And I will kill you!

rossildinio wrote:Dear italy....

I am issueing a warning!

Should you get a penalty
And you do a Pirlo!

I will find you,
And I will kill you!

Not promising anything

**BREAKING NEWS**

With the quarter-final draw now made the Dutch have been paired with Italy yet again.

Initially Raingod Van Marwijk was unavailable for comment having been stunned into silence by the blatantly unfair system which sees his team face the pre-tournament favourites for a second time.

The Italians beat the Dutch 2-0 in the group stage and must fancy their chances of reaching the semi-finals.

Raingod eventually popped his head over the mine entrance to say "We lulled them into a false sense of security in the group game, we will undoubtably be much stronger in the quarter finals, and Robin (Van Persie) has promised me that he has bought brand new super strength support tights for the game and Klas Jan (Huntelaar) has now been shown a real goal net so he knows what one looks like."

Rumour also has it that Marc Van Bommel has also finally made it the 20 yards to the training pitch and will play.

**UPDATE**

In a twist of fate Raingod Van Marwijk called a press conference early this morning. He seemed agitated and displeased by the French insistence on only speaking French, apart from that I have no idea what he was talking about. Full text of statement.

"Gelet op de behoefte van de Franse manager om interviews af te nemen in het Frans, zal ik alleen maaien spreken in het Nederlands. Ik kan bevestigen dat het team is klaar om op Italië nog eens, en dat Van Bommel zal kapitein de zijkant. Van Persie en Robben heeft verteld om te scoren ten koste van alles, maar we zullen proberen te houden strak in het midden van het park.

"Ons doel is om XBulldog zo ziek als een papegaai, en ik ben ervan overtuigd dat de grote Nederlandse teamgeest zullen door te winnen op het einde.

"Ik kan ook nog melden dat Klas-Jan Huntelaar is een domoor en kon niet in een bordeel te scoren met een 100 eurobiljet vastgebonden aan zijn pik."

With that he stormed out of the room and refused to answer questions.

*BREAKING NEWS*

Iceman has left the Poland team!

No official statement has been made but it is rumoured that Iceman was noted to say ' i cant manage this shower of s**t anymore! Still cant pronounce your names so I'm going on holiday!'

Due to this sudden departure of the manager Poland looked at the remaining teams in the tournament, and decided to surrender (they asked the French how to do it) and informed Wackybar of Spain that they have another chance to pass the ball around!

*BREAKING NEWS*

A short time ago France coach Mehrant Blanc called a press conference to rebuff the Dutch camps aggressive and snide comments. In a prepared statement, Blanc said;

"For the benefit of our Dutch "friends" I shall speak to you in english on this occasion, however do not expect it to become a habit. Coach Van Marmite's comments were uncalled for and hurtful so it is fortunate that the French have thick skins and frankly do not care what our "competitors" think of our methods. I have sent word to every cafe and bar in Francais to refuse to serve Dutch customers as an act of vengeance, also we look forward to seeing Italy in the later rounds. Thank you."

**UPDATE**

Things seem to have gone quiet on the Euro Ruff front but with the Groups decided and the Dutch having had time to corner the market in Ukranian Copper, it is about to go into orbit.

Raingod Van Marwijk held another press conference, and again refused to speak in English.

"Wie is deze Mehrant Blanc? Noorwegen zal blazen zijn team uit het water. Ik heb het grootste respect voor Ruffian Rosnberghoffhinder en nooit geloofd deze geruchten van de wedstrijd bevestiging.

"Wat ons betreft zijn we ervan overtuigd dat we kunnen geven de Italianen een schok of twee. VanPersie toont een uitstekende vorm en Heitinga zal Ballotelli eruit zien als een dwaas. Huntelaar heeft geprobeerd een 500-eurobiljet op zijn pik en hij kan nog steeds niet scoren."

Well there you have it.