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The Raingod Review presents Euro Ruffs 2016 – National Lampoons European Vacation Part 5 - Group E

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RuffiansFC Player
Germany – XxEmxX
Having failed to get Argentina out of their group in the Ruff World Cup Em will be keen to improve her fortunes with Germany.  Drawn in a group with 3 relatively new Ruffians playing with lower ranked teams will Mrs Ruffian be able to do it? The Germans are a formidable force IRL, current World Cup holders and after a shaky start to qualifying probably caused by a World Cup hangover, they blew the opposition away until Ireland beat them in their last game.

If they were a film: Gettysburg – vast, intimidating war film, historically accurate but based on a novel, so is a bit more exciting on paper than real life.

FIFA World Ranking: 4
Key Players: Thomas Muller, midfield/forward, main attacking threat; Bastian Schweinsteiger, captain and midfield general, boyfriend of Serbian tennis babe Ana Ivanovich (bastard) (Editor: You are on your very last warning here).

Group Prediction: 4th (Sorry Em)
Finals Prediction: Schweinsteiger will have plenty of time to go to Wimbledon.
Bookies Say: 250/1

Scotland – OddBeatty2810
The greatest football team ~Andy Cameron 1978 packed full of world class talent and household names, swept all before them…oh wait, THAT Scotland.  Err… the only Home Nation to fail to qualify for the Euros IRL, a team full of journeymen pros with a penchant for Right Backs who can’t defend, strikers who can’t score and a midfield captain who would fight his own shadow.  Beatty follows in the footsteps of RaingodZippo in trying to live up to the fantasies of a rabidly devout bunch of skirt wearing, orange wigged (I mean seriously, who adopts an accessory which was invented by an English comedian to ridicule them), bagpipe playing, drunk, friendly psychopaths, who (when drunk) do believe that first sentence.  Raingod got them to the Second Round in the Ruff World Cup and Beatty might just do the same. Mr Beatty has become a stalwart in the Ruffians FC team recently and no one holds it against him that he is a mate of Iceman.

If they were a film: Robin Hood Prince of Thieves – ridiculous telling of the legend of a hero outlaw which tries to put comedy in all the wrong places, with accents which are totally out of place and actors who have never even visited the country in which it is set, until it was filmed (James Morrison I am looking at you). Actually liable to turn into Robin Hood Men In Tights at any moment.

FIFA World Ranking: 43
Key Players: David Marshall, goalkeeper, needs to be good to stop the onslaught caused by his shit defence; Ikechi Anya, speedy winger, maybe give him the ball and if he runs far enough you will get a 0-0 draw.

Group Prediction: 1st
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Bookies Say: 33/1

Norway – Gary Crilland 3
Despite Stew getting his name wrong in every post, Gary is a descent FIFA player (in 3 matches against RaingodZippo a while ago he won 1 and drew 2).  Drawn with one on Stew’s old non qualifying Scandinavian teams he is bound to go far. IRL Norway lost out to Hungary in the play-offs.  Not blessed with an array of talent they might struggle a bit.  Likely to be the nearly men of the tournament.

If they were a film: The Heroes of Telemark – unlikely band of Norwegian guerrillas nearly destroy a Nazi heavy water plant but fail and save a bunch of kids from nearly drowning from a boat they blow up.

FIFA World Ranking: 51
Key Players: Stefan Johansen, midfielder who nearly gets a game for Celtic; Joshua King, Bournmouth striker who is nearly a good player.

Group Prediction: 2nd
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Bookies Say: 33/1

Hungary – DanielDavidFlaz
Another mate of Iceman who forms the formidable strike force of Ruffians FC with Beatty.  Given that Hungary actually qualified for the Euros IRL he should be in with a good chance of getting out this group.  Hungary qualified by beating Norway need to watch out for a revenge mission in this one. Well organised but pretty short on real talent might cause Danny a few problems here.

If they were a film: Look Back In Anger – the main character is stuck in a rut alternating between loving husband and domestic violence, living a life of drudgery in a dead end job nothing is resolved at the end.  Critically acclaimed at the time but now a 50s period piece.

FIFA World Ranking: 20=
Key Players: Adam Szalai, striker who hasn’t (until today) scored a goal for years;  Balázs Dzsudzsák, captain and midfielder who holds the team together.

Group Prediction: 3rd
Finals Prediction: Might just miss out on second round.

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