As the great and good of Ruffgaming gather in Brazil for the biggest tournament in the Ruff Calendar, the Raingod Review takes a look at the teams, their managers and what we can expect from this remarkable gladiatorial challenge.
(Car references stolen unashamedly from The Sun’s World Cup Handbook - or made up for the teams not in the real World Cup)
(Predictions based on top 2 qualifying and the 4 best 3rd place teams also going through)
Group A
Greece – Jack Blanchard
Unknown quantity Jack Blanchard leads a team of ageing journeymen with the hopes for goals placed firmly on the shoulders of that guy/girl who won Eurovision, Celtic potential escapee Georgios Samaras. If he can lay off the Timotei and show his “big game” form they might have a chance. Unfortunately I think an early bath is in line for the Greeks (which will suit Georgios just fine.)
Key Players: Geogios Samaras, Sokratis Papatathopouos
If they were a car: The Flintmobile from the Flintstones. Clearly the bottom has fallen out of their world and it’s been long acknowledged that they play Stone Age football.
Group Prediction: 3rd
Finals Prediction: Out First Round
Colombia – T3RRAF0RM
Could be a surprise package (at least they had better be or T3RRAF0RM might need to sleep with the lights on, having changed his name, died his hair and moved to a remote Scottish croft north of Inverness as Colombians don’t take losing well). Aged defence could cause problems (although, Argentina aside since the rest of the group have a transvestite and a perma-injured Sunderland player leading their lines they might not have that many problems.)
Key Players: Jackson Martinez, Radamel Falcao
If they were a car: A New York taxi. Big, brash and yellow. It seems a good idea to take a punt on them but they end up driving you crazy – and to the wrong place.
Group Prediction: 2nd
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Scotland – RaingodZippo
Oh dear! Right backs playing in Central Defence, other Right Backs who can’t tackle, a hot-headed captain who is as likely to be sent off as do anything useful, a variety of tiny identikit midfielders (many from West Brom) who can’t pass the ball, a striker who gets injured if you sneeze on him oh and Charlie Mulgrew (or Chico Maldini as the Celtic fans are fond of ironically calling him); 4th place will be an achievement for this lot.
Key Players: David Marshall (the only thing standing between them and a hammering – lets face it he has had plenty of practice at Cardiff), Alan McGregor (in case Marshall gets injured – or you are allowed to field 2 keepers)
If they were a car: A burnt out Vauxhall Nova on a rough estate just outside Milton Keynes. The wheels came off long ago and kids play racing drivers in the carcass dreaming of days of glory past when a 2-0 win over Zaire was a bad result.
Group Prediction: 4th
Finals Prediction: What the hell are they doing here?
Argentina – Xx em xX
Led by the only girl in town (as opposed to several big girls’ blouses), the Rolls Royce of World Football and one of the pre-tournament favourites boast a wealth of stars and Martin Demichelis. Em might be a bit rusty at FIFA but we can remember back in the early days of Ruffians FC some silky footwork and stunning goals and with the likes of Messi, Aguero, Mascherano, Campagnaro, Palaciaos (and Tevez if he is in the squad) at her disposal she could provide a few shocks on the way.
Key Players: Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero
If they were a car: a clown’s car. Their entrance is always eagerly anticipated – until they have the crowd in stitches when it backfires and the wheels fall off. Good handling, though.
Group Prediction: 1st
Finals Prediction: Second Round
(Car references stolen unashamedly from The Sun’s World Cup Handbook - or made up for the teams not in the real World Cup)
(Predictions based on top 2 qualifying and the 4 best 3rd place teams also going through)
Group A
Greece – Jack Blanchard
Unknown quantity Jack Blanchard leads a team of ageing journeymen with the hopes for goals placed firmly on the shoulders of that guy/girl who won Eurovision, Celtic potential escapee Georgios Samaras. If he can lay off the Timotei and show his “big game” form they might have a chance. Unfortunately I think an early bath is in line for the Greeks (which will suit Georgios just fine.)
Key Players: Geogios Samaras, Sokratis Papatathopouos
If they were a car: The Flintmobile from the Flintstones. Clearly the bottom has fallen out of their world and it’s been long acknowledged that they play Stone Age football.
Group Prediction: 3rd
Finals Prediction: Out First Round
Colombia – T3RRAF0RM
Could be a surprise package (at least they had better be or T3RRAF0RM might need to sleep with the lights on, having changed his name, died his hair and moved to a remote Scottish croft north of Inverness as Colombians don’t take losing well). Aged defence could cause problems (although, Argentina aside since the rest of the group have a transvestite and a perma-injured Sunderland player leading their lines they might not have that many problems.)
Key Players: Jackson Martinez, Radamel Falcao
If they were a car: A New York taxi. Big, brash and yellow. It seems a good idea to take a punt on them but they end up driving you crazy – and to the wrong place.
Group Prediction: 2nd
Finals Prediction: Second Round
Scotland – RaingodZippo
Oh dear! Right backs playing in Central Defence, other Right Backs who can’t tackle, a hot-headed captain who is as likely to be sent off as do anything useful, a variety of tiny identikit midfielders (many from West Brom) who can’t pass the ball, a striker who gets injured if you sneeze on him oh and Charlie Mulgrew (or Chico Maldini as the Celtic fans are fond of ironically calling him); 4th place will be an achievement for this lot.
Key Players: David Marshall (the only thing standing between them and a hammering – lets face it he has had plenty of practice at Cardiff), Alan McGregor (in case Marshall gets injured – or you are allowed to field 2 keepers)
If they were a car: A burnt out Vauxhall Nova on a rough estate just outside Milton Keynes. The wheels came off long ago and kids play racing drivers in the carcass dreaming of days of glory past when a 2-0 win over Zaire was a bad result.
Group Prediction: 4th
Finals Prediction: What the hell are they doing here?
Argentina – Xx em xX
Led by the only girl in town (as opposed to several big girls’ blouses), the Rolls Royce of World Football and one of the pre-tournament favourites boast a wealth of stars and Martin Demichelis. Em might be a bit rusty at FIFA but we can remember back in the early days of Ruffians FC some silky footwork and stunning goals and with the likes of Messi, Aguero, Mascherano, Campagnaro, Palaciaos (and Tevez if he is in the squad) at her disposal she could provide a few shocks on the way.
Key Players: Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero
If they were a car: a clown’s car. Their entrance is always eagerly anticipated – until they have the crowd in stitches when it backfires and the wheels fall off. Good handling, though.
Group Prediction: 1st
Finals Prediction: Second Round
